Recommended by Leisa - What to say instead of praise

A practical piece following Alfie's general advice to reflect what we see instead of our judgements about what we see, from AHA Parenting

What to Say Instead of Praising

"What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgment and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us." -- Alfie Kohn

"Love is attention without judgment. In its natural state, attention only appreciates." –Deepak Chopra

If you've heard praise isn't good for kids, you may be wondering how else you can give your kid positive feedback.  After all, you know you need at least 7 positive interactions for every negative interaction to maintain a good relationship. While hugs and smiles go a long way, you're in constant verbal interaction with your child, and your most common words may well be "Good Job!"  Besides, there are things you'd like him to learn about how to be in the world.  If you can't praise, how else can you guide him?

The short answer is that our children need to be seen and loved, no matter what.  The evaluation inherent is praise is what's problematic.

But that doesn't mean you can't find positive ways to interact with your child, hopefully many of them, all day long.  And it doesn't mean you can't help him reflect on the effect of his choices. Here are some examples.

Instead of:
"Good sharing!"
Try:
"Wow! Look how happy you made your brother."

(Why? We all want to guide our child, and that does involve value judgments on our part.  But instead of just explaining things as good and bad, take the time to help your child see his power in the world.  Why does it matter what he does? Rather than telling him that he's good when he acts in accordance with a value that's important to you, point out the result.  That way he can decide whether to repeat the behavior to get that result -- rather than just to get your praise.)

Instead of:
"Yes, that's a good painting!"
Try:
"I saw you working hard on that painting. Can you tell me about it?"

(Why?  You're not expecting her to be Van Gogh at four.  What you want is for her to enjoy the exploration, the process -- not the product.)

Instead of:
"I'm so proud of you!"
Try:
"You must be so proud of yourself!"

(Why? Because if he's to take pride in his accomplishments, he needs to be the judge and the source of the pride. You don't want his self-esteem dependent on other people's feedback, even yours.)

Instead of:
"Good job!"
Try:
"You did it!" or "Wow! Look at you up there!"

(He needs to know you noticed that he did it, and maybe that you're impressed, if you are. You're mirroring his feelings, not telling him what to feel.  Leave the evaluation of whether it's "good" to him.)

Does that mean you can't influence your child by telling her that you like what she's doing?  Not at all.  It's fine to express your own feelings. The danger is when our child gets the message that she's only good enough if she does things our way.

Instead of:
"Big girls help Mommy."
Try:
"I like it when you help me. Thank you."

(Why? You're teaching your child how to have a relationship with another person.  She needs to know -- without guilt trips -- that what she does has an effect on the other person, so she can choose her actions. It isn't about evaluating her as a human being.)

Remember that non-specific praise backfires.

Instead of:
"You're such an angel today."
Try:
"I'm having such a good time being with you today.  I love it when we have so much fun together."

(Why? Your child knows she isn't a little angel, she's a fallible human being -- and if you forget that, she'll need to show you by acting out in the worst way she can think of. Just too much pressure!)

There is one kind of general positive feedback that works, because it's feedback about you:

Instead of:
"You're a good boy."
Try:
"I am so glad I get to be your mom. I love you, no matter what!"


May you create miracles today, large and small.
Blessings,
Dr. Laura

Summer Reading

In the Summer Reading section of the Christian Science Monitor, I came across Nina Sankovitch, someone I studied with in Barcelona all those decades ago, and her Read All Day blog. After the death of her older sister, Nina stayed at home (we all know this is misleading terminology) and read a book a day for a year. And she reviewed them all. While most of these are grown-up books, there is a spot on her blog with book reviews for kids and teens, as well as reviews by other categories (look in the left-hand sidebar).

Please also check out the reading lists in the Posts and Lists tab at the top of our blog! Don't forget to add your kids' favorites in the comments section.

Steingraber - In These Times - Despair Not

Ultimately the environmental crisis is a parenting crisis. It undermines my ability to carry out my two fundamental duties: to protect my children from harm and to plan for their future.

(click above to read the whole thing)

Digging in - Identity & Social Media

And, just in time - a webinar from Hardy Girls... 

Media, Techonology, and Parenting Dilemmas

Adults sometime describe teens as "Digital Natives" because they've grown up with social media in a way that my generation (gen-x, that is) did not.  Gen-Y /The Millennials (born 1981-2000) and Generation Z (awful name, they'll rename themselves, I'm sure)  have digital technologies surrounding them and take internet access as a given.  Yet the term Digital Native is fraught, for me, because it somehow presumes that kids will be acculturated appropriately simply through immersion. In fact, digital media is tied intimately with corporate control and does not constitute a culture so much as a hyper-planned-and-highly-profitable-gated-community (oh anthropologists among us, please give me the proper term!) as well as the foundation of opportunities for the emergence of new democracy. As parents and educators, we want to reap the best possible elements of new technologies while protecting our kids from significant invasions of privacy, cyberbullying, and brain-fragmentation.   Below is a collection of interesting articles & links - no definitive anything.  I think this topic could be great fodder for parents to come together around!

General Info 

• PBS Digital Nation links for Parents and Teachers - includes streaming of their documentaries on growing up digital (we could watch together) - this site has all the links a person really needs
• Pew Research on Social Media & Teens (2010)  
• Common Sense Media on Teens and Social Media
• MacArthur Foundation research on the benefits of teens time online - links to tons of resources as well

 Curriculum & Scaffolding for Teaching Media Literacy

• DigitalLiteracy.Gov - the new federal portal for educators  (MacArthur Blog Post about it) 
• National Association for Media Literacy Education (they are hosting a conference in July in Philly) 
• Action Coalition for Media Education
• Media Education Foundation - films that are provocative / good conversation starters
• American Library Association Teen Tech Week Resources

Tools for Connecting Kids to Digital Media

• The Power of the Connected Classroom - using digital media to promote social justice education
• Parenting in the Digital Age - a Pro-Tech blog 
• NYT Technology Resources 
• Twitter Resources for Teachers 

Arguments for Reducing Kids Access / Exposure to Screens / Digital / Social Media

• Merriconeag's list of articles around brains & screens -- especially resources from Lowell Monke  (a pdf) and  18 and Under: Fixated by Screens, but Seemingly Nothing Else
•  Michelle Borba on practical tips for monitoring kids online like what POS means) 
• The Dumbest Generation  / The Shallows  books about what the internet is doing to our brains

Reminder - Nutrition Speaker tonight

Nutrition Speaker offered by Mom 2 Mom of Maine

Mom to Mom of Maine "Happy and Healthy Family Speaker Series" Presents - "They Are What You Feed Them:How nutrition can affect attention and behavior in children"

When: Wednesday, May 25, 2011
7:00 to 9:30pm
Where: Dana Center Rm#4 @ Maine Medical , 22 Bramhall Street Portland

"They Are What You Feed Them: How nutrition can affect attention and behavior in children."

Contact Anita for more information

Disparate Links

Today is my baby's 7th birthday!  Amazing all that happens in the first 7 years, and all that happens in the next 7, too.  Here are a bunch of somewhat dispirit thoughts & links:

• I'm 1/2 way through Sandra Steingraber's newest book Raising Elijah and am blown away.  If we ever needed a reason to be grateful for the demolition of the playground, her chapter on arsenic, playsets and nursery school politics give it to us!  Highly recommended...(also, see her newest article in Orion about the connection between toxic chemicals and kids learning)

• Grace, Craig and I just read the "Your Seven Year Old Book" by Louise Ames and The Gesell Institute... these are such great touchstones, full of calm reasonableness and clarity about developmental stages. 

• Alfie Kohn has a new blog post about parent surveys...what is taken for granted (or what ideas are eliminated) in closed-ended surveys. 

• The Save Our Schools Maine project has a facebook page - interesting sharing of information about what makes a great education, how to advocate for public schools, etc. The national organization has a fantastic march planned for July.

Connections between P4P speakers

I continue to chew on AK's talk, and to wish for more opportunities for reflection and processing and connecting of dots -- definitely something P4P should build in next year.

I attended a conference put on by the Campaign for Commercial Free Childhood, and the keynote speaker said "It used to be the job of a good parent to socialize their child to participate in the culture; now a good parent must protect their child from dominant culture."  I don't know to what extent that is true - but the heavy commercialism that children are exposed to definitely complicates AK's message of providing kids with a lot of opportunity for self-determinism and decision making.  That is, there are adult forces, other than direct adults, who are using extremely sophisticated means to influence kids decision making and sense of self.   Children younger than age 7 or so really can't use critical thinking to deconstruct advertising - so how do we keep from letting corporations shape their development without being slightly hyper-controlling, at least some of the time?

This came up around food, in my house, yesterday.  With Alfie's reproachment about not counting string-beans in my mind, I said yes to the crap-pretzels with the caveat of adding a banana.  Now, maybe they weren't hungry enough for both pretzels and bananas and ate more than their bodies really wanted because that was the gateway. On the other hand, we talked about how the pretzel company has the upper hand because they've done tons of research on exactly how salty, crunchy and cheesy the pretzels should be to encourage a complete override of sensible eating and hunger-driven choices. The food industrial-complex is not just letting kids guide their choices based on some biological drive - they have billions of dollars of R&D invested in branding, and yumminess.  Now, it's true, if I could create the bubble of my dreams my children may never know such pretzels exist - except I like them too, and I like other people's families and being in the world.  (I really liked the adult book 'The End Of Overeating" for this take, and Grace read Michael Pollan's book for kids with interest).

It is tricky to provide the right amount of protection, without over controlling, and to provide the right amount of space without abdicating our adult responsibility to provide children with a safe and healthy environment within which they can flourish and make mistakes that are not too high-stakes.

Parenting for Peace Books & News

Our former Parenting for Peace speakers continue to be prolific and provocative - bookclub, anyone?

Susan Linn - Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood  - in coalition w/other organizations, CCFC recently helped stop Scholastic from partnering on a curriculum that was authored by the Coal industry! See a Susan Linn TedxTalk -- maybe it is time for a second showing of Consuming Kids?


Sandra Steingraber has a new book : Raising Elijah - I have ordered it, would love to read it with others! Maine recently strengthened the Kids Safe Product Act, a bill championed by P4P partners, the NRCM and EHSC


David Sobel's book Wild Play is now available - and sure to remind us that "better a broken bone than a broken spirit" are words to live by, at least some of the time.  Here's a video, as well.


Alfie Kohn - well, Alfie was just here, so we have all his books but I thought this article he linked (on twitter) is of interest, too (by Michael Moore, but a different MM than the one from Flint :)  - The Corporate Connection to the Common Core 

Nutrition Speaker offered by Mom 2 Mom of Maine

Mom to Mom of Maine "Happy and Healthy Family Speaker Series" Presents - "They Are What You Feed Them:How nutrition can affect attention and behavior in children"

When: Wednesday, May 25, 2011
7:00 to 9:30pm
Where: Dana Center Rm#4 @ Maine Medical , 22 Bramhall Street Portland

"They Are What You Feed Them: How nutrition can affect attention and behavior in children."

Contact Anita for more information